Recognize the trappings of Codependency
She knows it’s wrong.
Once again, Abigail has lent money to her son – this time to get his car fixed. Her son is 28 years old and still living in the family home, where he has crashed since high school. Abigail feels guilty giving him money, but what can she do? He needs to get his car fixed. He needs to look for work.
This is a common scenario in today’s world. It’s also an example of a codependent relationship.
Another classic example of codependency is that the husband gets drunk, can’t go into work, so the wife calls the boss and says he is sick and won’t be in to work.
Codependents look to others for thoughts, feelings and values that would normally come out of a well developed sense of self. For example, when asked to offer an opinion on the death penalty, a typical codependent reaction would be to wait for the group consensus and offer a “safe” response – one that would be most in keeping with the thoughts of the group. This is often done subconsciously and is in contrast with the healthy reaction of offering an honest personal viewpoint.
Codependents do not withhold their feelings as much as they are unaware of what they feel, because of their incomplete development of a separate self. They cannot reveal what they literally do not know.
Codependents have difficulty recognizing and articulating feelings, and they often hold back their feelings out of fear. Their needs remain unmet in their desire to please others, or at least to avoid disapproval. As a result, they accumulate anger and rage for which they have no healthy outlet.
Depression is also common, particularly a low-grade depression that would be relieved if they could focus on their own needs.
Typically, the label of codependent is applied to women – often unfairly. “Women are inherently relationship-oriented. They want to keep things going smoothly for everybody, and in our society, they are put in the caretaking role, whether they want it or not. The selfless caretaker is indeed vulnerable to becoming codependent, despite her good intentions. It’s great to be kind, considerate, empathetic, humanitarian, or to be of service. What’s bad is having to please in order to feel whole as a person.
Unhealthy dependencies and repressed anger could be a few characteristics that you are codependent.
Red Flags:
• You become obsessed with fixing and rescuing needy people;
• You are easily absorbed in the pain and problems of people;
• You try to control someone or someone is trying to control you;
• You do more of your share all of the time;
• You always seek approval and recognition; and/or
• You would do anything to hold on to a relationship. You fear being abandoned.
When pulling out of a codependent relationship, you need to understand what’s at the root. Often the enabler feels guilty about the situation. They care about the other individual in the relationship because they know there is a good side to this person. They’re hoping against all hope that they can go back to the good times even when it’s obvious nothing will change.
They have to get beyond their emotions and look at the history of behavior. This has been a pattern. Getting professional counseling from a mental health worker, psychologist, or family physician can give you the strength to break away from a codependent relationship.
Group therapy often works well. You meet people who can model healthy behaviors for you, who point out what you’re doing. It can be more acceptable coming from them than from an authority figure because they’ve been there.
